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WebMD BlogsPatient BlogsAnkylosing SpondylitisTips for Improving Communication With Your Partner (When They Just Don’t Get It)ByLovaine CohenNovember 27, 2024Diagnosed since 2001

Talking to your partner about your ankylosing spondylitis pain can feel like shouting into a void sometimes. You share your daily struggles. Yet instead of getting the empathy of the century, you’re met with a shrug or, worse, an awkward silence. 

Not cool, right? I have good news for you. There are ways to bridge the communication gap so your partner starts to hear you. Here are some ways to help you feel seen, heard, and supported.

Timing Is Everything

Don’t bring up how your back is flaring up again right when your partner is halfway through their favorite Netflix show. Probably not the best idea. The key is finding the right moment to talk. Maybe after dinner when things are more relaxed or during a calm moment on the weekend. Timing can make all the difference in how your partner reacts. Pick your moment wisely.

Try saying, “Hey, can we chat about something that’s been on my mind? It won’t take long,” before you start. Giving your partner a heads-up can avoid the whole deer-in-headlights situation.

Be Direct, but Kind

Sometimes, we assume our partners can read our minds. Guess what? They can’t. You’ve been dropping hints about your AS pain but they’re not getting the hints. 

The time has come to be more direct. Keep it kind. No one responds well to accusations or blame. Instead of saying, “You never listen to me about my pain,” try, “Do you know what would mean a lot to me? If you could hear me out about what I’m going through today. My back pain is affecting me, and I could use your support.”

See? Direct, but still loving.

Use ‘I’ Statements

This one’s a game-changer. Instead of saying “You don’t care,” focus on your feelings by using “I” statements. For example, “I feel overwhelmed when my pain flares up and I feel drained.” 

This approach lowers the chances of your partner feeling defensive. Aim to be more understanding and have less arguing. Revealing your feelings shows your vulnerability and can bring you two closer.

Ask for Specific Help

Ask for the help you need. As my wonderful late father-in-law once told me, “If you don’t ask, you don’t get.” So if you need them to cook dinner when your AS flares up, say so. If you need them to handle the laundry because bending over feels like a medieval torture device, let them know.

Be specific. Instead of “I’m in pain,” try, “Could you help me out by making dinner tonight? My back is hurting, and I could use the break.”

Find a Safe Word

Create a “safe word” for when you’re struggling and need their immediate attention. Maybe a silly word like “marshmallow” or “unicorn.” The point is to have a word that signals to your partner, “Hey, I need you to listen right now, this is serious.”

Using a lighthearted safe word can break the tension and let them know you’re not joking around about your needs. And it’s better than having to repeat, “I’m in pain” for the hundredth time.

Show Appreciation

OK, so your partner isn’t perfect. But when they do make an effort, even a tiny one, show them some love. A little appreciation goes a long way in keeping the communication flowing. 

When they give you a back rub without you even asking, remember to say, “Thank you, your massage felt wonderful.”

Bring in the Pros (When Needed)

Even with all the best tips and tricks, communication can hit a wall. There’s no shame in seeking professional help. A couple’s therapist can work wonders in helping both of you learn to communicate better. 

Think of working with a therapist like bringing in a referee for your communication match. They can make sure both sides get a fair chance to be heard.

There are also some amazing books on communication. One of my favorites is Nonviolent Communication by Marshall B. Rosenberg. The techniques in his book can help you both get to a place where you feel more connected and understood. I’ve tried some of these techniques with my partner, and they work!

I like this quote from his book: “Empathy is a respectful understanding of what others are experiencing.”

If you’re feeling frustrated and unheard, take a deep breath. There are ways to improve communication with your partner, and you deserve to be heard. With the right strategies, you can create a stronger, more supportive relationship. A beautiful relationship where your partner isn’t only listening but truly hearing you. Good luck!

 

Photo Credit: Motortion / Getty Images

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